I Think I Need a Psychiatric Resume

Today I had an epiphany. I realized that I am the most redundant person in the history of the world. It came to me today as I sat in yet another professional person's office with the dun colored carpet and the requisite inspirational pictures on the wall, that slightly institutional smell and the elevator music wafting in under the door from the reception area. My eyes had glazed over and I was getting that hazy around the edges feeling I get when I answer the same questions for the 1000th time.

I know that if you have a mental illness you are probably nodding your head right now. You know exactly what I mean. The questions never change and there are hundreds of them. The doctor asks them, the psychiatrist, the social worker, the nurse, crisis worker, therapist, people at the hospital, intake anywhere, psychologist, and today the neurologist. More and more people seem to be getting in on the action too. When I filled out forms to go to a new dentist one of the questions was do you have any mental illnesses and what medications do you take. The eye doctor wanted to know what medications I take and what I take them for.

I seem to do nothing but answer these questions. How old are you? How long have you had hallucinations, voices? Ever married? Children? What kind of voices? What do they say? What do you see when you hallucinate? How many times hospitalized and where and when? Who are members of the team? Family history? Suicide attempts and when? Trauma? Medications? ...and literally hundreds more. It can take up to 2 hours for these questions sometimes and it really does seem like an interrogations sometimes.

So here is my solution. The psychiatric resume. Yep list all my personal info. List how well qualified I am for being mental. List my previous experience...you know psychosis, hospital stays, trauma, all my qualifications so to speak. There could be an education section for all the stupid programs I have attended, CBT, DBT, anger management, therapists seen and all that other higher learning. I could list all the doctors I have seen or my references. A section for medications would be great so I wouldn't have to say for the millionth time no I took that and it didn't work, no that gave me akathisia, nope made me blind, nope made me drool, made me psychotic, etc. A section for accomplishments would be great. There I could list all my manic episodes, psychotic episodes, depressive episodes, number of suicide attempts.

Just imagine how much time would be saved if I just handed over my resume...or better yet dropped it off or mailed it in ahead of time. I swear I have spent 3/4 of my life sitting in someones office answering stupid questions. Think how much more time would be available for actual living. Imagine the freedom! I am sure I could make a fortune churning these things out. I can't be the only one who is so frustrated from answering questions over and over.

The good news at the neurologist today is that I don't have some disease that is causing all these bizarre symptoms...no ms or lupus or neurologic stuff I am just plain nuts. Wow thanks for the insight Dr. S., who would have guessed?

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