Saturday, July 18, 2009

My Medication Merry Go Round

Well I started taking Lamictal today....again. I tried taking Lamictal two years ago and it made me blind, made me trip over my own feet and slur my words. Apparently these are not alarming side effects to my doctor who in his infinite wisdom has decided I should try taking Lamictal again. Yep I have officially tried so many different medications that they are now recycling them...and sadly enough I am desperate enough to go along with this wacky plan.

Sure I listened to my doctor give his speech about how I might not get bad side effects this time and how last time I took Lamictal I was also on 7 other medications, and after all my sight did come back didn't it? blah, blah, blah. Somehow I am not really convinced by his optimistic thoughts on the matter. However things have been so awful lately that I am willingly taking a pill that made me unable to see and made me appear like I was drunk or something. How scary is that?

So what is worse the illness or the cure? I can't believe with all the side effects of psychiatric medication that anyone stays on their meds. I have said it before and I will say it again being nuts is not for the faint of heart. The medication sheet that came with my prescription lists the known side effects of this medication: dizziness, headache, blurred/double vision, nasal congestion, lack of coordination, shaking, tremors, muscle weakness, drowsiness, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, painful menstrual cramps, difficulty sleeping and abdominal discomfort. It also says to watch out for a rash that can be fatal, behaviour changes including thoughts of suicide, bleeding, black/bloody stools, vomit with blood in it, bloody urine, yellowing of the eyes and skin, chest pain, slurred speech, weakness on one side of the body. Gee what I wouldn't give for a don't ask, don't tell policy right now. I think I have tremors already, no wait, I am just shaking with fear. I can't believe they let people take these medications and can't believe I go along with it...but I am sure this medication will make me feel much better. ah ha ha ha ha

So wish me luck on my journey, I think I am going to need it!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

I Am Going to Die Anyway...Does It Really Matter When?

I have been asking myself this question all week. I have been spiralling downward for a few weeks now. I have been dealing with chronic sleep deprivation, depression, wicked bad side effects, less than helpful doctors, being unable to work, financial difficulties, out of control anxiety, and medication after medication that just doesn't work. Except for 4 short months I have not been stable in 7 years. I am done, I give up, I don't want to play anymore.

So back to the question. We are all going to die and does it matter when? How much does a person have to take? Does a person have to live a miserable existence when they are just going to die anyway? What is the point? Why bother? Why fight and struggle your way through a joyless life and then just die anyway? This is what I torture myself with. These thoughts go over and over in my head.

Then the guilt thoughts start. I am just feeling sorry for myself. There are people who have it much worse than me. People who are in much worse pain. People who live a bleaker existence. In the end I feel guilty and I don't want to live my life.

There is always the guilt of those that would be left behind if I decided to end my life. My family would be devastated. My parents of course, and I am very close to my nieces and nephews. This has stopped me a few times when I was on the brink. At other times I had convinced myself that if they loved me like I loved them they would want me to be at peace. I have had conversations with my family letting them know that if I was to die by my own hand there was in no way anything they could have done to prevent it and they should have no guilt because it would be only about my pain. I suppose for them this would provide little solace, so I suppose when I died would matter to them. My mother several times has said to me if you are going to kill yourself can you wait until after I am gone.

I find it somewhat ironic that if people had a pet, say a dog or cat that suffered as much as many of us with mental illnesses do they would let that pet go. They would allow that pet to have an end to their suffering. We cling to people though don't we.

I have thought about what I might miss out on if I didn't live to old age. I don't think I would miss much experience wise. I have already decided not to have children because I don't want to pass on this illness and don't know how great a parent I would make with having this illness. I travelled quite a bit before my illness really got its grip on me. I had a good career for a while but never will again. My financial future is severely limited now so there aren't any great adventures in the future out there waiting for me. I don't think I would miss much.

I suppose in little ways it can matter when you die. I started to overdose on pills a couple of nights ago and about 20 pills in I realized that if I died that night my brother wouldn't have a babysitter for his kids. He is working second shift until the first week of August and can't get a babysitter that will look after his children until 2am so I have been doing it. I had this moment of clarity in the middle of my suicidal moment where I decided I couldn't die because I had to babysit until August. I am not sure if that is rational or crazy. Oh and I had a whopping headache when I woke up the next morning.

There is always the big picture to think of in deciding if it matters when you die. Whether a person believes in God or not...and whether God is a vengeful God or not. Whether it is a sin to commit suicide or not. I think about that a lot too.

So essentially whenever I get depressed I guess I justify my suicidal feelings to myself by saying I am going to die anyway, what does it matter when. I am not sure if other people do that too. The professionals all think feeling suicidal or committing suicide is a sign of insanity. In my opinion it can be a very rational decision to end a very awful life...but of course what do I know. I am nuts.